her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
my being single is dangerous.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
he fucked my hip out of place.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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