good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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