I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
