Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
