I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
she looked like the before picture.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
