It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
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Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
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I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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