Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
being pregnant is like rehab
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
