She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
i think my cat just said my name.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
