I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
