I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
