Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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