And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
