Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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