Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
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