Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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