ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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