In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
