last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
