Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
40s are totally the cure
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
