If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
