No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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