just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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