my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
