you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
