Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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