I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
