i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Randomize
