My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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