I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
