I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
