So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
