i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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