all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Randomize
