Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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