tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
