just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
