I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
