____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I supernannyed him into submission
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
