you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
