I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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