watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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