WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Randomize
