The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
