whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
and she was petting her beer can
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
