Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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