So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
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But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
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