Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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