saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Randomize
