Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
