I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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