I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
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Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
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