i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Randomize
