Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
