i think i have two assholes
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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