just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
