why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I FOUND THE LEGS
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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