Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
