I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
