My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
