I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
