it was like his penis was on wheels.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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