She's JV to your varsity
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
We had sex on a dog bed..
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
