I murdered the dance floor call the cops
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
