I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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