I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
