I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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