I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
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i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
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I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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