My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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