just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
he wants to bone in the snuggie
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
